What If I Moved Away?

Dear Zoey,

Michael is in Canada today. He has a job interview on Tuesday. I am very, very nervous about it. I've got no less than 3 zits on my face because of it. My life might suffer an upheaval if they offer him the job.

I never wanted to be the birthmother that lived 3,000 miles away from her daughter. I feel like I'd be flaking out on you. This is the first time I've felt guilt since December 2009, when you went home with Ali & Kelly, instead of me. I know you're only 19 months old, but I visit you all the time. And maybe that doesn't register as something important to you right now, but I think it is. I don't want to become an abstract thought to you. I want to be a physical presence. I want to always be there so that you understand how much I love you.

To most birthmothers I sound ridiculous right now. Most birthmothers probably don't have the luxury of having their baby so close to them. And maybe I'm overreacting? Michael would say I'm worrying too much.

I don't want to miss you. I don't want to feel like I'm putting you second, or third, or fourth. I don't want my words to have to come through your parents because I'm not there to explain it myself. What if you don't understand? What if they explain it to you but you still feel ... abandoned?

I don't want to miss you. I don't want to miss all the little things in between all the big things. I get to see the little things right now. I get to see you every couple months on ordinary days. Flying home to see you on only important days makes me feel like such a flake. Do you understand? You are the most important thing in the world to me. You're my daughter.

What do I do? What am I supposed to do?

How can I hug you from Skype? How can I kiss you in an email? How can I give you a real smile from a blog?

I love you.

P.S. I bought you some books a couple weeks ago and an outfit last week. The books: The Tale of the Flopsy Bunnies, The Tale of Squirrel Nutkin, Corduroy, Town Mouse Country Mouse, and Angelina & the Princess. I think you'll really like the Angelina books. The illustrations are beautiful and I think you like pink, girly things. Your mama said you like The Mitten book I got you for your birthday, that's why I got Town Mouse Country Mouse. It's by the same author.

Michael and I were walking through the mall last week when I spotted a kids' clothing store called Crazy 8. There were tutus on clearance and I grinned with delight at the thought of you in a tutu. Just like Angelina. Your mama loves turtles, so I bought a pink shirt with two turtles on it that said "Best Friends" to go with the tutu. I haven't seen you in any of the outfits I've bought you before, so I hope I get to soon.